Rommie Horror
by Luz Maria
Summary: Rocky Horror Picture Show as done by the cast of Andromeda.


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters portrayed in this story. They belong to Gene Roddenberry's estate and Tribune Entertainment. Nor do I own the script "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" that this was based on. That is owned by Richard O'Brien. All information not having appeared in the series or the movie script was taken from the Systems University site at www.allsystems.org.   
  
Spoilers: I'm all over the first season, here. If you've seen less than half of it, you won't get many of the references. Sorry.   
  
Rating and warning: Very Strong R rating. Subject to change. Slash situation in Part II. If you cannot handle the idea of one man hitting on another, please do not read.   
  
Archive: Ask me first via e-mail to luzmaria8@att.net please.  
  
Special thanks to Spaz'n Space for the image of Harper dressed as Frank (I would not have thought of this otherwise) and Josette for being my Rocky Horror/ Andromeda sounding board. This piece o' crap is dedicated to you, guys.   
  
  
  
  
  
ROMMIE HORROR  
  
  
  
(Opening song, "Tyr told Yvain", is sung by Yvain's stepson, Breyon. Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature")  
  
Now our Harper fell ill the day we skirted the sun  
In his fever he formed the plan  
But not until the station did he get the blueprints  
Then Rev had a chat with a Than  
Then Tyr went AWOL and gave us a fright  
So Dylan got him out of his jam  
In the Maru they flew to safety anew  
This is what the mission logs said then.  
  
Drago Katovs, Tyr did not like  
Went to Midden for his birthright  
Museveni, father of his race  
On Our Midden, Yvain did see him  
Whoah...  
On Our Midden, Yvain did see him, long ago.  
  
Beka's ship the Maru was home and birthplace too  
Daddy's big debts made her do cargo runs  
Rev soon joined on her crew, along with Harper too  
Trance joined last and thought it all in good fun  
Gerentex had a job  
Salvage ships for cash, in haste led them to the right one  
Gerry got booted off, the rest stayed on for fun  
Dylan's request made Tyr join on the crew.  
  
On the...  
On Our Midden, Yvain was told this  
Tyr lost his Freya, he betrayed her  
Went back in time to save our future  
Now he remembers, it's time to leave her  
Whoah...  
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago  
She asked him so  
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago  
She missed him so  
Whoah...  
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago  
By her back door  
Whoah...  
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago.  
  
(Fade to Scene I)  
(Scene I, the empress's coronation)  
(Enter Dylan and Rhade, stage right in white ceremonial uniforms)  
  
Rhade: (Completely deadpan) Well Dylan, she finally did it.  
Dylan: Yes well we always wanted the empress to get the job for years now.  
Rhade: Her being there makes us more powerful sir. Power ensures survival, and it was why I joined the High Guard in the first place.  
Empress (from offstage): OK you guys, it's rumba time!! (Offstage crowd cheers)  
Rhade: Gotta run, see ya. (Exits, stage right.)  
Dylan: Seeya later, Rhade  
  
(Dylan rubs the bottom of his lip in thought, then turns and waves in Rhade's direction. Sarah enters, stage right.)  
Sarah: Oh, Dylan, isn't it wonderful? Didn't the Empress look beautiful? I mean an hour ago she was just a plain old Vedran diplomat. Now she's Empress Sucharitkul XII.   
Dylan: Yes, Sarah, the empress is a lucky gal. (Starts walking) Everyone knows this coronation will be good for the Commonwealth. (Sarah nods) You know this means my commission will be over soon... Hey Sarah, I've got something to say. I really love the skillful way you out danced the other girls, at the coronation.   
  
(Sarah blushes and looks away as Dylan breaks into "Sarah", sung to the tune of "Wedding Song")  
  
Dylan:  
The mission was long but I took it (Sarah)  
My heart is now yours, and you've got it (Sarah)  
Only please, don't tell me you'll break it (Sarah)  
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you  
  
(Sarah moves to kiss him, and he backs off towards the coronation hall)  
Now Rhade told me love does not exist (Sarah)  
But I know that he's wrong and I'll prove it (Sarah)  
I sure I'm no fool, you believe it (Sarah)  
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you  
  
(Sarah runs to his arms and he hugs her, then pulls out a ring)  
Here's the ring my dad gave to my mother  
Empress has agreed to marry us  
Life with me's not mediocre  
S-A-R-A-H I love you so!  
  
(Sarah puts on the ring and rushes into the coronation hall. Dylan follows her. A Than, a Perseid, and a Nightsider are cleaning up the coronation hall. Sarah begins to sing.)  
  
Sarah:  
I'm so glad you saved me at the lab (Oh, Dill)  
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh, Dill)  
You're commission is done and I know that (Oh, Dill)  
I've one thing to say, and that's Dill, I will marry you.  
  
(Sarah walks through the coronation hall dragging Dylan behind her. Dylan slowly goes into shock as he realizes he's now engaged. She continues to sing, with him alternating.)  
  
Oh, Dylan   
Oh, shit...  
I will  
Oh, SHIT...  
Marry you.  
Just say I do...  
There's one trip left to take, Ahoo.  
  
(Dylan walks off in thought as he sings.)  
  
Dylan:  
Now let's see the Magog who began this. (Sarah)  
When we went to his lecture on Panix (Sarah)  
Made me face all my fears and not panic (Sarah)  
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you  
  
Damn it, Sarah  
Oh Dill, I will  
Damn it, Sarah  
Marry you  
  
(The two of them kiss. Pan over to one of the reception tables. A miniature hologram of Andromeda appears.)  
  
Andromeda: I would like, if I may, to read to you from our ships log. (Clears her throat and continues) It was at the end of the First Commonwealth when our new Captain, Dylan Hunt, then a Commander, and his fiancé Sarah Riley, two normal citizens of Tarn Vedra, left the planet to visit a certain Magog Reverend, who's lecture on linguistics inspired Dylan to propose to Sarah. It was true, there were dust clouds in the system: large, opaque, and massive, through which they would have to navigate. It's true also, that the slipstream drive on their shuttle cruiser was in need of an overhaul. But, being a citizen and an Officer of the High Guard, Dylan was not about to let such a thing spoil the journey. On a journey (close up on Andromeda's face as she gets serious) On a journey they were going to remember for a long, long time.   
  
Scene II (In the shuttle)  
  
(Dylan is busy maneuvering the ship. Sarah is listening to a report on the Empress Sucharitkul XII's coronation as she walks onto the bridge to deliver a cup of coffee to Dylan. A slip fighter passes them as it breaks through the stream.)  
  
Sarah: Gosh, that's the third slip fighter that's passed us.  
Dylan: Actually hon it was the first. The other two were salvage vessels. (Looks at his sensors.)  
Sarah: What's the matter, Dylan hon?  
Dylan: Hmm... I don't think we are where we are supposed to be. I'm gonna have to back track...(Slipstream drive suddenly fails.)  
Sarah: What's going on?  
Dylan: (Runs a diagnostic) The drive must have lost power... Shoot! I knew I should have had it go through maintenance first. (Sarah rolls her eyes) I'll go use the escape pod and go get help.  
Sarah: Where are you going to go, exactly?  
Dylan: (Thinks) Oh, there's got to be a ship nearby somewhere. Maybe they have an engineer on board who can fix it for us. You stay here and I'll run a hail from the pod.  
Sarah: I'm coming with you.  
Dylan: But Sarah...  
Sarah: (more forcefully) I said I'm coming with you. Besides, I know you. If anyone on the ship is in trouble or you think anything is up you'll take your time coming back. And there's only coffee on board.   
(Dylan fakes a laugh. They enter the pod and launch it. As it hurls off into space they see a fighter ship in the distance. Sarah turns away from the ship and begins to sing, "Of the Systems Commonwealth Fleet" to the tune of "Over at the Frankenstein Place")  
  
Sarah  
In space there's a blackness  
Deep inside dust clouds  
Way out there  
There's a ship not far  
They're hailing us, where we are  
  
Both:  
They're the light  
Of the Systems Commonwealth Fleet  
They're the light  
Ships protect us between stars  
They're the light, the light  
In the darkness of every planet's night  
  
(Narrow in on one of the viewports of the ship in the distance. Tyr Anasazi is looking out of the viewport in the direction of the pod.)  
  
Tyr:  
New pride begins  
Must prove superiority  
Now I've a plan  
To let light and power streaming  
Into my life, into my life   
(Tyr disappears from the window. Wipe back to the pod where Dylan and Sarah are located)  
  
Both:  
They're the light  
Of the Systems Commonwealth Fleet  
They're the light  
Ships protect us between stars  
They're the light, the light  
In the darkness of every planet's night  
  
(Wipe back to the original reception table. Andromeda begins speaking)  
  
Andromeda: And so, it seems that Dylan and Sarah have been saved and having their drive fixed is now a mere formality. Or is it?  
  
Scene III: Docking Bay  
  
(Dylan and Sarah have arrived, but there is no one to greet them in the docking bay. Dylan opens up the hatch so they can exit.)  
  
Sarah: Dylan, do you think this is such a good idea?  
Dylan: Would you rather we float around in a confined space longer? (Looks around for an exit)  
  
(The door exiting the Docking Bay has opened and Tyr Anasazi enters. Dylan walks up to Tyr and extends his hand to him. Tyr just looks at the hand.)  
  
Tyr: (Looking at the hand as if it were a foreign object) Yes, kludge?  
Dylan: Uh, hi. I'm Commander Dylan Hunt, and this is my fiancé, Sarah Riley. Our slipstream drive has stopped working and we were wondering if you had an engineer on board who can help?  
Tyr: (Still looking at the hand) We do.  
Sarah: Yes, that's great.  
Dylan: Great.  
Tyr: (Sarcastically) Great. I think you should follow me.   
  
(They follow Tyr into a poorly lit corridor and leads them toward the Main Bridge. Near the entrance to the Main Bridge, crouched in a corner and reading an Ayn Rand novel, is Beka.)  
  
Sarah: (Whispering in Dylan's ear) I have a bad feeling about this.  
Dylan: Well, we're here and we need help. I'm sure it will be fine.  
Tyr: Follow me.  
Dylan: (Noticing Beka) Um... just where exactly is your crew?  
Tyr: (From behind) You got here while most of the crew is on shore leave. Luckily for you, Harper is still onboard.  
Dylan: Lucky us.  
Beka: Oh, Harper's good alright. You really are sooooo lucky. (Laughs)  
  
(Tyr leans against the wall behind them, blocking their exit. Music begins to play, and Tyr begins to sing "The Slipstream" to the tune of "The Time Warp")  
  
Tyr:  
They're revolting  
Orca pride to me  
Guderian in control  
Now listen closely  
  
Beka: (Looking anxious)  
Will we be that much longer?  
  
Tyr: (shaking his head)  
I've got to take control  
  
I remember Kodiak at it's peak  
Mecca of all prides  
But we were all wiped out  
So I took off through the stream...  
  
(Tyr and Beka shove Dylan and Sarah onto the Main Bridge. A crowd of Perseids, Thans, Vedrans, Humans, and Nightsiders are gathered in the middle of a big party. One large cockpit chair, similar to the one used for manipulating the slipstream drive is in the center of the room. Beka jumps in excitedly.)  
  
Crowd:  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
(Dylan faints. Wipe to the reception table. Andromeda starts explaining how to drive the slipstream to the audience.)  
  
Andromeda: Ok first you key in coordinates.  
  
Crowd:   
And then you engage the Drive  
  
Andromeda: (Demonstrating with her arms) You ease the thrusts controls forward.  
  
Crowd:   
And then you make a Hard Right.   
Now just rotate the ship, and drive your captain insane.  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
Beka:  
Hold on tight now  
It's what I'm born to do  
Yes you can watch me  
No I don't mind  
Traveling through dimensions  
I let the slipstream move through me  
Strings so pretty  
I see all  
  
Tyr: (From behind Dylan and Sarah as he moves further into the Main Bridge)  
You're mind controls the streams  
  
Beka:  
Better with a Flash trip, HA HA HA   
  
Tyr:  
And nothing, will ever be the same  
  
Beka:  
It's better than the sensation  
  
Tyr:  
Of depressurization  
  
Crowd:  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
(Tyr and Beka dance over to the centerpiece table, decorated with flowers. Dylan and Sarah notice that there is a purple humanoid, with a tail, seated cross legged at the center of the table.)  
  
Trance:  
Well I was wandering a ship looking for things to find  
When a nightsider said "Help I'm in a really tight bind"  
He shook me up, he grabbed my tail from behind  
He thrust me into a chair which controls the ship's drive  
He stared at me and we left the dock  
And into the slipstream we shot off like a spark  
  
Crowd:  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
(Dylan and Sarah start to back away from the party, realizing they should have hailed from the ship directly. Wipe back to the reception table where the holograph of Andromeda is standing. She is tapping her left foot and smiling but is otherwise unaffected by the music)  
  
Andromeda: First you key in the coordinates  
  
Crowd:  
And then you engage the drive  
  
Andromeda: Then you ease the thrusts forward  
  
Crowd:  
And then you make a Hard Right  
Now just rotate our ship, and drive our captain insane  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
(Trance jumps off the table and goes into a tap dance. She gets excited, screams "Hee Haw" and goes into a twirl across the bridge. When she gets in front of the cockpit chair, she trips over her own tail, and falls to the floor. We hear her mutter "Ow, ow, ow, my tail" as she gets up. Wipe back to the reception table. Andromeda, now completely into the song, is moving her hips and dancing.)  
  
Andromeda: First you key in the coordinates!  
  
Crowd:  
And then you engage the drive  
  
Andromeda: Then you ease the thrusts forward  
  
Crowd:  
And then you make a Hard Right  
  
Tyr:  
Now just rotate my ship,   
  
Crowd:  
And drive our captain insane  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
Let's ride the slipstream again  
  
(The crowd collapses. Dylan and Sarah look on with a mixture of surprise and fear. Sarah pokes Dylan in the ribs)  
  
Sarah: Dylan, say something.  
Dylan: Hey. (Crowd sits up in unison) Is this a Commonwealth vessel?   
  
(Crowd murmurs to themselves in confusion. Sarah gives Dylan a look like she's about to kill him. Pulling him by the arm, she starts inching him again to the exit.)  
  
Sarah: Uh, Dylan, we should get to the pod now.  
Dylan: For Divine's sake we need the drive fixed Sarah  
Sarah: But these people seem insane, Dylan  
Dylan: It's just a party, Sarah.  
Sarah: Well I want to leave  
Dylan: We cant go anywhere with a broken drive.  
Sarah: Well ask for the engineer already  
  
(Exit door to the bridge opens. In the distance, a figure in a sequined Hawaiian shirt, fishnets, and work boots can be seen in the distance heading towards them in time to new music.)  
  
Dylan: We don't want to interfere with their ritual, Sarah  
Sarah: This isn't the Empress's coronation.  
Dylan: They are probably aliens with a culture different than our own. They may do some more... slipstreaming  
Sarah: (Sounding desperate) Look I'm tired and I need a cold Sparky!   
Dylan: I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.  
  
(Sarah turns to leave in a huff and stops short at the site of the new stranger, Harper. Dylan turns towards her, sees the stranger himself, screams, and faints outright. Harper grins and begins to sing "Love God Baby" to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite")  
  
Harper: (Leaning over and looking at Sarah only)  
Hey there baby I  
See you've met my repressed Nietzschean (Wipe to Tyr, who's rolling his eyes in disgust)  
He's just a little bummed out  
Because when you hailed  
He thought you were our pizza Than  
  
(Harper strides past both Dylan and Sarah, heading toward the cockpit. Dylan comes to and stands up slowly. Sarah is still standing there with a look of shock on her face. Harper continues to sing)  
  
Harper:  
Hey babes chill out  
It's the way I am  
Don't judge a flexi by it's size  
I'm just an engineer, by the light of day  
But by night I'm one real party lover  
  
(Harper, having reached the chair, now spins and removes his shirt, revealing a white corset. His fishnets are held up by, what else? His tool belt.)  
  
I'm just a super genius  
Your love God baby  
Of the planet Earth  
  
Let me show you my tools  
Maybe play by the pool  
You like you're both good citizens (snicker)  
But if you want something visual that's not too abysmal  
We can link up an old holo movie  
  
(Harper pushes past the crowd to get himself a piece of fruit from the reception table. Dylan walks up behind him as he eats an apple vigorously.)  
  
Dylan: We're glad you're on board. Could you help us? We're both trying to get to Brandenburg Tor.  
Sarah: Right. (Looks anxious)  
Dylan: If you could take a look at our drive, and send us on our way. We don't want to be an inconvenience.  
  
Harper: (tossing the fruit aside and hitting a Than in the head)  
So your slipstream drive went splat  
Well, I'll fix that (goes back to the chair)  
Now babies, don't you panic (Trance has come to the chair alongside Harper)  
By the Dawn of the Night  
I'll get it done alright  
I'll confer with my Perseid Mechanic  
  
I'm just a super genius (Dances with Trance, then sits. Trance sits on his lap, and he puts his hand on her knee)  
Your love God baby  
Of the planet Earth  
  
Let me show you to the Maru  
Or maybe Fondue?  
I could show you my favorite possession  
I've been making a Droid  
With brown hair and a bod  
She's good for working out mental aggression  
  
(Harper rises slowly from the chair. Trance sits in the chair in his place)  
  
I'm just a super genius  
Your love God baby  
Of the planet Earth  
  
HA HA... I'm just a super genius (Pushes past Dylan and Sarah as he heads for the exit)  
  
Tyr, Beka, and Trance:   
Super Genius  
Love God baby  
Of the planet Earth  
  
Harper:  
So come down to the bay  
And see what's been made  
I see you looking with fascin... ation  
But maybe the air  
Is what's really to blame  
So I'll repair your drive  
But not your esteem  
  
(Harper walks out the exit, presumably in the direction of the Hangar Bay. The crowd from the party follows him, leaving Dylan and Sarah alone with Tyr and Beka again. Tyr and Beka approach them from behind and begin to remove their clothing. Sara slaps Tyr's hand away)  
  
Sarah: Dylan!!  
Dylan: It's alright, I'm sure this is all part of their customs. I'm sure we're safe.  
Sarah: Oh  
  
(Trance walks up from behind and picks up the clothing, inspecting it.)  
  
Trance: Oh, pretty!  
Dylan: Hi, I'm Commander Dylan Hunt and this is my fiancé Sara Riley. And you are... what are you exactly?  
Trance: (stammers slightly) UH... Um, you wouldn't be able to pronounce it. Anyway Harper has a nice surprise in the hangar bay for everyone.  
Dylan: Even for you?  
Trance: (frowning) That was mean. (She throws the clothes on the floor and walks off)  
  
(Dylan and Sarah, in their underwear, are now pushed towards the hangar bay. Tyr is carrying a can or Sparky cola and a glass of ice. He pops open the can with his bone spurs, pours the liquid into the glass, then downs the remainder of the can. He tosses the empty can behind him.)  
  
Sarah: You're captain, Harper I mean... oh hell, why are we undressed?  
(Trance giggles)  
Tyr: Harper is not our captain, nor do I think he wishes to be. We are simply his... co-workers.  
Sarah: Oh.  
  
Scene IV: Hangar Bay  
(They have arrived at the hangar bay. In view is an old salvage vessel, the Eureka Maru. Surrounding the Maru are the guests from the party. Harper, now dressed in bright orange overalls with goggles on the top of his head, is standing by the hatchway, which allows access inside the ship. Tyr goes over to the ship to power it up.)  
  
Harper: Rebecca, Gemini. Go and attend to the guests. (Both pass by our heroes) I will amuse the... uh.... (hi pitched giggles) This is just too cool!  
Dylan: (Stepping forward) Hi, I'm Commander Dylan Hunt, this is my fiancé Sarah Riley...  
Harper: (Smiling as he cuts him off.) What a babe. And what nice assets you have. But here, put this on. (gives Dylan a dust coat, but not Sarah. Dylan chooses to give Sarah his dustcoat and remain in his underwear. Yes, you're welcome.) It will make me feel more comfortable. It's not often we have a High Guard officer on board, let alone offer him assistance. (more snickering)  
Dylan: (Suddenly angry) Assistance? All we wanted was for you to fix our slipstream drive. A request which you've not carried out.  
Sarah: Dylan, don't...  
Dylan: (Looming over Harper) Well?  
Harper: (Looking up at Dylan with a smile) How bossy you are Dylan. Such a fine example of High Guard discipline. So... aggressive. (Harper blows a kiss at Dylan who turns red. The crowd giggles) You must be proud of this... ahem... Greek god.  
Sarah: Well actually I am.   
Harper: Have you ever done Flash, Dylan?  
Dylan: (Turning redder) Of course not!  
Harper: Ah. And how about you? (Sarah blushes.)  
Tyr: (Approaching from behind) The Maru is up and running sir. We merely wait for you to power the droid.  
  
(Harper walks over to the hatchway of the Maru and opens it up. Inside, on a table is the form of a woman in a gold bikini attached to power cords. She appears motionless. Harper clears his throat and begins his speech.)  
  
Harper: What's up, my Systems University Colleagues? You are about to witness a breakthrough in Artificial Intelligence, not to mention my genius. And a new era in High Guard vessels will begin. (Crowd applauds) It was odd the way it happened. Suddenly, the station was right in our face. The kids had the blueprint flexis, and the schematics were there all the time. It took for me to only find it to make it happen. And I did it, super genius that I am! And that's how I discovered how to make the ship made flesh. That one thing this vessel was missing, and I know how to give it real life.   
  
(Harper turns on the power to equipment inside the Maru. The crowd applauds until he turns back to face them)  
  
Harper: You see, you are fortunate, for tonight, is the night, that the Andromeda I know, love and gave form to will be born!  
  
(Audience applauds. Harper turns around and grabs one of his tools from his tool belt. Making some final adjustments to the form on the table, he finishes tweaking the android. Turning her onto her side, he flips a switch on her back, turning her on. The android is still not moving.)  
  
Harper: (To Tyr) Inject anti-protons into the reactor core. (Tyr does so.) And step up the power supply three more levels. (Again Tyr does so.)  
  
(We watch as power is pumped into the body of the android on the table. Soon, the body begins to jerk violently for a moment, then suddenly dies down. The android moves slowly into a sitting position and looks around the room, then focuses on Harper.)  
  
Rommie: Having fun yet?  
Harper: You know it!!! (He makes a grab for her. She pulls away and begins to sing "Memory Upgrade", to the tune of "Sword of Damocles")  
  
Rommie:  
The code of my programming executes in my head  
And I've got the feeling he's rewriting my matrix instead  
Oh, woe is me  
This existence is new to me   
And can't you see  
That I'm in the need of a memory upgrade  
  
(Harper, having caught up with her, has been kissing at her back and shoulders, she moves away from him and into the crowd)  
  
Everyone else: (throughout the remainder of the song)  
Sha la la la la  
He'll fix you soon  
  
I woke up this morning with a jolt  
As he surged juice through me  
It left the sensation of a tingle  
What a rush in me  
My cells are full  
I'm powered up with weapons to blow  
And all I know   
Is I'm in the need of a memory upgrade  
  
Harper:  
Oh, Rommie (Begins chasing Rommie around the hangar bay)  
  
Everyone else:   
Sha la la la la  
He'll fix you soon  
  
Rommie:  
The code of my programming executes in my head  
And I've got the feeling he's rewriting my matrix instead  
Oh, woe is me  
This existence is new to me   
And can't you see  
That I'm in the need of a memory upgrade  
  
Harper:   
OOOOHHHHH, ROMMIE!!!!!  
  
(At this point Beka and Trance are dancing together in front of the Maru. Tyr is leaning against the hull, looking bored out of his skull. Dylan and Sarah look on in amazement.)  
  
Everyone else: (throughout the remainder of the song)  
Sha la la la la  
He'll fix you soon  
  
(Harper chases Rommie all the way back to the hatchway of the Maru. She leans against the hull next to Tyr and looks frightened.)  
  
Harper: Romdoll, that's no way to respond to your creator. (Rommie pouts in response. Harper touches her cheek.) But... since you are the babe of my genius, I'll forgive you. (Rommie smiles slightly. Harper grins like a maniac.) Oh, I just love being a god.  
Beka: Yeah, whatever.  
Harper: (Oblivious) Yes...  
Tyr: And how is she vital to our survival?  
Harper: (Still Oblivious) Yes...  
Trance: I don't get her. (Harper turns to her, finally listening.) Well, she's not a plant or a human...  
Harper: You don't get her? DON'T GET HER?? We'll just see about that. (Takes her over to Dylan and Sarah) Well, tell me the truth. Did I do it right? What am I saying, of course I did it right...  
Sarah: (Hesitantly) Well, I don't see why you needed to make an avatar with so many... features. (Looks up at Dylan and notices he looking at her a bit too intently.)  
Harper: I designed her for my ship, not for you. She carries the High Guard Argosy Seal of Approval.   
  
(Harper leads her to a table with various parts for the ships and a large pile of logic chips. She grins in delight and begins to inspect the chips and parts. Harper begins to sing "Combat Ready" to the tune of "Charles Atlas".)  
  
Harper:  
A salvage ship, weighing 98 tons  
Will get blown into bits (Wipe to Beka, who looks insulted)  
When shot by a drone  
But with retrofits   
And a God engineer  
The ship will take off  
And make cash for its boss  
  
Will make it salvage and haul  
Take passengers   
And just a little bit of contraband (giggles)  
But not you, oh not you  
  
You'll be a strong ship (Starts making muscles with his arms. The crowd snickers.)  
Oh, honey, but the wrong ship  
You'll get logic chips, sensors  
Extra pulsed plasma guns   
New defensive missiles  
New Droids, Bots and parts  
Such an arsenal if she only knew of my plans  
  
In just seven weeks  
You'll be combat ready  
  
She'll do flight drills  
Statistics, and combat simulations,   
She thinks logic equations (Jumps up and Tyr's back so he can piggy back. Tyr growls and carries him for a bit.)  
  
Aren't hard work  
Such strenuous thinking  
I think I am in love (Tyr drops Harper in front of Rommie, he puts his arms around her waist)  
  
When in just seven weeks  
She'll be combat ready...  
  
(Suddenly the force field in the brig fails and Gerentex breaks through, running straight into the hangar bay.)  
  
Trixie: Gerry!!!! (Jumps into his arms. Gerentex breaks into "Glitters like Gold" to the tune of "Hot Patootie".)  
  
Gerentex:  
What ever happened to a Nightsider's life?  
Inject your spawn in the great Pool of Life  
Watch them eat at each other like Magog in a camp  
For once in my life, I thought I saw the Divine  
  
I used to go around and wheel and deal  
And listen to transmissions of my crimes as I steal  
A Nietzschean was blowing off some steam in the gym  
As I climbed in the cockpit and really had a good time  
  
(Gerentex grabs onto Trance and the two of them start dancing. The Crowd is getting into the music. Harper is looking pissed.)  
  
Hand of Justice bless my soul  
I love all that glitters like gold  
Magellanic bless my soul  
I love all that glitters like gold  
Ayn Rand Station, bless my soul  
I love all that glitters like gold  
Eightfold Path now bless my soul  
I love all that glitters like gold  
  
(Gerentex tosses Trance into the air a few times and then she slides down to the floor. Using her tail, she wraps it around his neck and pulls him on top of her. They begin to roll around on the floor together. Rommie begins to move to the music. Harper grabs her by the arm and throws her into the Maru, closing the hatch. He makes his way, unnoticed, to a workbench. Gerentex manages to get up and panting, resumes his singing.)  
  
My head used to spin from all the thron that I smelled  
My hands were weighted down with the flowers I held  
I'd look at the pixie's purple skin and that's when I'd melt  
She smiled at me and said, "Tonight's your second chance at new life"  
Get back on track and tease my hair out again  
This Nightsider was dealing his very last scam  
The purple girl inspired me to go legit  
I felt pretty good OOH!! For once I had good times!  
  
(Gerentex begins to run around the hangar bay excitedly. No one has noticed that Harper has taken something from the workbench and is patiently waiting for him to stop.)  
  
  
San Ska Re now bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Planet Earth now bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Fountainhead now bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Brandenburg Tor bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
  
Castalia bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Enga's Redoubt bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Macher Alpha bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Azaria bless my soul   
I hate all that glitters like gold  
Mobius now bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
New Krendarr now bless my soul  
I hate all that glitters like gold  
  
(Harper suddenly produces a nanowelder from behind his back and begins to attack Gerentex in front of a horrified crowd. Our heroes are dumbfounded. Trance is screaming.)  
  
Harper: WHERE ARE MY 84,000 THRONS???**  
  
(** Note: 84,000 throns translates into $17.00 US currency by today's standards. In other words, the price of a one-week unlimited fare card in New York City, circa 2001 in our timeline.)  
  
Trance: Seamus Zelazny Harper, how could you? (She runs off stage in tears.)  
  
(Harper, having finished killing Gerentex, now raises up and looks at the crowd. He smiles)  
  
Harper: Unfinished Transactions. (Rommie is banging from inside the Maru.)  
Oh, Rommie. (Rushes over to open the Maru. Rommie comes out looking furious.)  
Rommie: I should confine you to the brig for that, you know.  
Harper: Oh, come on Rommie! He had it coming. Besides, he didn't have your intellect. (Rommie turns away in disgust. Harper breaks into the reprise of "Combat Ready")  
  
Harper:  
Oh! But a hull shield  
Nanodefense  
Offensive Weapons  
And a PPP gun  
Makes me BRRRRRRR shake  
Makes me want to take Al Einstein by the HA HA HA  
  
In just seven weeks  
You'll be combat ready  
  
I don't want no dissention  
Just dynamic weapons  
  
Dylan: (Off pitched.)  
Of a High Guard Ship!!! (Sarah shuts him up.)  
  
In just seven weeks  
You'll be combat ready  
  
In just seven weeks  
You'll be combat ready  
  
(Harper takes Rommie by the hand and leads her to the Maru. The Crowd from the party cheers in delight. As they enter, Harper sends a signal for the doors to close. Just before they do, he jumps up into her arms and straddles her hips. We see Rommie drop Harper onto the floor, looking disgusted.)  
  
  
  
END PART I  



End file.
